This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
