made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
should my penis look like a turkey
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
