Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
God, I missed his penis.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
