My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
