i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize