this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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