I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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