the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
