Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
