ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
