Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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