Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
