ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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