I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Come on in and take your pants off
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