you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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