That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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