wakey wakey hands off snakey
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
