Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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