Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I want to have your abortion
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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