You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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