u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
