I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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