No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
