Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
