you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
