He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
