if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize