I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
