For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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