So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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