I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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