I am spending my child support on dildos
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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