We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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