I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
