We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
