Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
