Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
