the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
