you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
