You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
