In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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