i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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