Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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