Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
