i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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