I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
