why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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