Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
