Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
