if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
