She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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