I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
