My sheets look like a crime scene.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
