My sheets look like a crime scene.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
