end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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