I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
A+ Viking dick
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
