Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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