my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wish i was in the wii world.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
