I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
