we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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