Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
