So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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