I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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