The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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