I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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