so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I want to make a zoo with you.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
